It is spreading

This.
I just want this.
And, here I am again.
Losing it.
I don't know if I can really lose him.
He's everywhere. I'm the sun, and he's the universe around me.
If he left... What would I be left with?
FRIENDS.
I must continue to tell myself... You'll make it.
You'll make it.
You'll make it.
This has been building up.
Like a cancer, it just spread and multiplied.
And now, the body of our relationship is falling apart.
It's black and rotting.
And... I get it. He had to get out.
I thought I wanted out too... until I saw that our black and rotting relationship
Is the ground that I stand upon.
His support gets me though the hard days.
And... Its ending.
I can't even see his face... just thinking about it...
I want to break down.
I want to stay up here in this safe place where I don't have to see him,
because if I don't see him or hear his voice,
He can't leave me.
He can stay in my head.
He can stay in my heart.
Oh my God...



I can do this.
I can't do this.
I don't know.
I'm gonna need to be carried out of this pit.
I'm gonna need lots of support.
DON'T CRY.
DO NOT CRY.
Don't let one freaking tear stain your face.
I must repeat this.
Over, and over, and over, and over, and over...
DON'T CRY.
I cannot cry.
I will get through this!


I know it. I figured it out.
He's scared. He's just scared now.
I went off and did something dumb.
And he's immature- he doesn't know how to handle it.
And... If HE breaks up with ME, then it's okay for him to come running back...
He'll come back.
He will.
He's got to.
We have something so perfect...
HAD something so perfect...

He's gonna get hurt.
He's gonna think he has fallen for someone else..
and they'll BREAK HIS HEART.
The heart that I did my best to cradle and take care of.
They're just going to wreck it.

He won't find a girl like me.
Not anywhere.
There isn't one.
There's no more of me out there.
There's no more of me in here.
I think he took it with him....

DAMNIT!. I don't know if I can really do this.
I'm breaking up inside.
I'm ripping to shreds...
Black and rotting.
That's me.

I've got to go.
I've got to go get broken even more.
And, I'll be back.
Back to explain the hurt that is going on.
Back to give you the next diagnosis.
Tell you where else the cancer has spred.

Rain.

And when time runs out, I will ask myself- what have I done?
When I look back, will I smile? Will I cry?
It's not a question I can answer.
It's not a question anyone can answer.
And do I regret?
I have always told myself, never to regret.
Do I want this?
Do I really need this?
Am I just scared...
Scared of what?
Growing old and finding that it was all wrong.
Having children and seeing their faces reflect his.
Wishing that I had waited.
Wishing that I had mustered the guts to say that I'm not happy.
No, it would hurt.
It would hurt me, it would hurt him.
Would it hurt him?
I'd like to think that it would.
Although, I don't really think I mean much.
I am a pair of lips.
I am a pair of hands.
I am a pair of everything he wants.
And yet, what he wants isn't really me.
I am not any better than anyone else.
And any girl could suffice for his desires.
It's not my heart he wants.
It's not my thoughts.
No... it's not me.
I need someone who wants me.
Who needs me.
I want to feel needed.
I want to feel loved.
And most of all, I want to look back and smile.
I do not want to regret.
I do not want to cry.
Not anymore.
Not one more tear.
Please...
Rain, come back.
So I can blame the wetness of my cheeks on you.
So that you can cleanse my soul.
My unloved, untouched soul.
Tell me, rain.
Does he love me?
Do I assume just the worst?
Is this right?
Is this wrong?
where do we go.
Where do we go from here.
I am lost.

S.O.S.

S.O.S.

S.O.S.

Someone save me.
Tell me what is right or wrong.
Teach me to smile when I look back.
Teach me to hold back these tears.

Deathly Hallows

And thus, Harry Potter has ended.
He-who-must-not-be-named, Voldemort, lays dead on the groud.
Triumph! And tears.
Now what wizard can I follow?
What magical books can make my heart race?
Must I turn back to vampires?
Edward, Alice, and Bella.
NO! I refuse.
I will start again from the beginning- 7 books, all over again.
And they will make my heart race once more,
whether or not I know what will happen.
I miss you Harry- I pray that you love your happy ending.
I loved it. I did. :)

When the music is too loud, we will turn it up.
I feel like taking danger by the collar and kissing it.
Oh, rules. Rules, rules, rules!
Why are there so many rules?
We break them.
I break them.
Screw you, statistics. Love will prevail over you.
Do you think we mean everything we say?
Do you think that nobody lies or cheats?
You are right.
We don't lie.
We don't cheat.
We do what we feel, and we feel what we do.
Do not stare into his eyes, Medusa.
You will turn him to stone.
Blindfold yourself or you will lose him.
Will he hold your hand?
Will he kiss you?
Can you control your desires?
Is he disgusted by you, or is he in love?
You cannot tell. You cannot see.
Is he beautiful? I am sure that he is.
Black hair? Brown hair?
Blue eyes? Brown eyes?
Oh, he could be a monster!
He could hold your hand for a moment only to slice your neck the next!
Untie your safety net.
Let your eyes glance upon him.
Maybe... just a moment won't hurt.
Oh, his face is in terror! He is stone!
And it is done again.
Again, you break your rules.
Again, you lose everything you ever desired.
Let this be a lesson.
Do not take off your blindfolds- do not think past what you can handle.
You are not invinceable, the one you love can be hurt.
Your heart can rip to shreds.
My heart is ripped to shreds.
I unblindfolded myself.
I experimented with fate.
I crossed a line and lost everything.
And here I am, staring into his stone eyes wishing I had never done what I have done.
Who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates what I've done.
Please... love me again.
Please... melt this stone mess I have created back to flesh.
Living, breathing, pulsing flesh.