Just realized, this isn't on here. Now it is.

Being alone is like
Clinging to a string
Tied to a balloon
On a highway to the moon
That ran out of gas.

I want to be 112 feet tall
So that you cannot look away
And whenever I sing
The notes will ring
All the way to the tip of South Africa.

But--alas, I am only 5 foot 6.
If I exaggerate an inch.
You are handsomely tall
I feel 8-year-old small
Standing in the shadow of your ego.

I wanted you to be happy.
I wanted to spill a truckload
Of daisies on top of you
Just to give you a few
Reasons to be alive.

But roses and lilies are
Poison by the weeds of regret
Even the soil of forgiveness won’t
Forget that which we don’t
Have the strength to loosen our grips on.

No.

As it seems, you never left my mind.
You were just buried under other petty troubles
that I tried so desperately to grow big enough
to out-do you.
But it's not an easy task, nor has it been accomplished.
Part of me is so happy
because you seem so happy.
And the other part of me can't delete old pictures
or see the rest of my life with anyone that is not
the exact same person as you.
I want to let you go.
But I feel my heart turn cold when I try.
And I feel my veins flow slow when I lie
and say that you are gone from my mind.
For you live in the basement lobe of my brain with my innermost emotions.
And the moment you make a trip to my frontal lobe,
My throat tightens. My hands shake. My legs quiver. My stomach aches. My breathing is quicker.
And I'm a professional at covering all of that up.
Because neither you nor anyone else has a clue.
And I don't want them to.
You are happy, so please stay that way.
I know this feeling will leave eventually.
When I said that last time I didn't know how far "eventually" really was away.
But I will be patient and try my hardest to melt this ice cold heart
without falling deeper back into love with you.

It's a quiet revenge.

I'm so dramatic.

JUST BURNED THE LETTER FROM YOU FUCKERS AT NATIONAL MERIT. Thank you so much for making me feel special for being one of 16,000 to semifinal. You told me that I didn't make the cut to the final, but you didn't mention how special THAT was! One out of only one-thousand epic let-downs in the country. Goodbye $24,000+. Nice planning as if you'd be there, only to find you slipped through my fingers. Your ashes are in a plastic bag labeled, $24,000.

This is a homework assignment.

Did you say, growing up?

There is no safety net.
Okay, there is, but much less of one.
And the moment I look at the ground,
14 years beneath me,
I begin to shiver and shudder at the sight.
Like a child's first night
without a night light.
But... I can see a light coming in
when I see the faces that I know
Aged 2 months in growth and distance.
This is a new start.
Is it okay that I feel unprepared?

Can you hear the thunder?

I swear, this place has its own zip-code.
I feel like a dog lost from home
running to-and-fro with its tail between its legs.
Dissecting the yellow slip of paper in front of me.
Like a ticket to peace.
Like a map of safety.
Like a bible.
I prefer the building filled with artsy people.
The beloved, A-building.
I dread the building filled with required classes.
The hell-hole C-building.
This is going to be a long four years.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
I don't know.
And I'm not sure I'll ever know.
At least not until I get there.
And even then I don't know if I'll really know.
All that I know is, I want to be who I want to be.
And I want to be ME.
Throughout these four years and the many afterward,
I aspire to be nothing but myself.
And when I find my place
wherever it may be
I hope there will be many people smiling next to me.
And one holding my hand.
All that I really strive toward is this:
Happyness. And happiness is not always perfect.
I want to take my punches and throw some of my own.
I want to build some bridges and burn the rest.
I want to climb a mountain of accomplishments
no matter how far that means I may fall.
Whoever and whatever I am, is what I want to be.

My Same-Name best friend
She was a fish.
She always would go with the flow.
And since basically birth we've been swimming down the same river.
But when school started, we reached a fork.
And we split like bananas.
But every Wednesday the rivers would cross.
And our same-name-game continued until
High School.
And it was when the rivers crossed and began flowing together again.
High School.
The first four years going to the same school with my best friend.
What could go wrong?
Oh trust me.
The campus was more like where our rivers became an ocean.
And now it seems even harder to find one another.

The Philosopher
He didn't go to school.
Well, he did.
But his mind was always somewhere distant.
Bookmarked in the Bible, most likely.
He let me into the wonderland of his mind.
If it were a physical place,
I'd be lost in just moments.
When life brewed a storm like the apocalypse
He re-wrote the ending.
He lives in his dreaming.
I hope he never wakes up.

The Prince
We did it backwards.
We began a quest AFTER we were head over heels.
Aren't you supposed to search for love?
Not search AFTER love?
We fell hard and fast at a young age.
And the four years ahead of us
were years reigning over a kingdom.
And the two we spent together were exactly that.
Without the crowns.
And when everything fell apart, you see
we both were...
Lost.
It's a feeling that never left.
But I'm learning that maybe he wasn't meant to quest by my side
But merely be a portion of the quest itself.
Just as I am for him.
But after a year and a half more...
I am just as lost as before.
It's a feeling that never left.

Like a murder.

I think I murdered the very last person on the earth
who had any hope left in me.
Congrats, self. You're all alone.
How melodramatic.