I didn't know I had this capability.

I didn't know I had the capability
to become this. And I'm sorry.

Who I will be.

Just because I can use the system of equations to solve most situations
I never did quite figure out why I always had to ask the paper to,
"Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally."
For what.
Telling her father she wasn't gonna bother with the numbers
She'd rather hunger for a slumber under the stars.
She'd rather connect than count those white faraway lights.
They are guiding her.
There is no formula for fate or the way we chose to live and to live for
and I have become like an ocean shore rocking back and forth
and trying desperately to find a place to settle in.
What is my identity who am I going to be when I do finally settle
and my black ashes land soundlessly in that sea.
Who will I be.
I am no sound, no sight, no song to be sung for I am already singing
and it sounds like wrong notes but what is a wrong note
when you are always steps away from resolving.
My father wants me to be an engineer.
He says with one hand on my shoulder the other on his beer,
"Do not fear a big paycheck. You could do great things."
And I want to bring him a painting, a song, this poem just to say
"There will come a day that you'll see the great things I can do.
And the great things I am doing.
And the great things I have done.
And just because this does not align on your axis of acceptance
does not mean I do not have a point.
I am an imaginary number.
And very few rules apply to me.
I will be what I wish to be."
And at that moment I would learn
that the x's and y's were really hellos and goodbyes
And that plane could actually fly
So write me a formula for that.
And Sally, you are excused.

Birth control
Immunity-Plus
Pain relief
Vitamin D...
a, b, b12, b4556, c, and vitamin FT.
Standing for, "Fuck This."
I am placing pills in my mouth.
I am swishing pills in my mouth.
I am trying to swallow pills.
I am forcing pills down my throat.
I am suffocating on my lack of self-sufficiency.
What if I stopped taking them all?
What if I tried to just live my life alone?
Or what if I took them all at once.
47.
Where is God?
I thought we were created to live but really
I'm finding we were created to wish for death.
And hope that before that glorious day comes
we will have given the world some reason
to shed us a tear.
I've shed you more than 47 tears.
If only that was enough to kill me.
And it's that numb inability to truly comprehend the lack of stability that is our in-capability to figure out what the hell we want or need. What route do we take, what steps to I make, how many hearts can I break, what is really at stake here? You know, I wish that I could do whatever it is that I should because sometimes saying that I would is really just a lie. Everything was a lie a deceit a fake a sham a counterfeit a fiction a whole fucking delusion. I am a bottom dweller finding anything to appreciate or energize the light forever shining ahead of me. And you became my light. And you burned out long before the colorful imprint of your light had faded. I was blinded and that brightness burned into my pupils creating scars in my vision that were beauty. But it faded. And now it's completely gone.
47? I'm nauseous.
My stomach hurts.
No literally, and much more than I expected.
I cannot believe that I did this again.
Something is so wrong with me.
Incredibly wrong.