Boring blog.

The worst and best moment?
When you look at him and think...
I honestly don't know who the hell you are anymore.

And then you think...
I honestly don't think I love you anymore.

I'm just so tired of this game.
It's on repeat- I'm fine until I think about how I'm sweeping everything under the rug.
And when I peek under that rug...
I see who he was.
He loved me.
I loved him.
I just don't understand how I'm the one to blame.
When he's the one who acts as if I don't and never did exist in his heart.

Good actor, that one.

I really wouldn't post this because he might read it.
But I have realized that nobody reads this.
And although he might have at one point...
That was when he loved me.
And he's not that guy anymore.

And for some reason I'm still this girl.
At least partly.




I really need to delete old text messages.
They're just killing me.

And cute videos of us being in love.
Those gotta go too.

But the thing is, I think I need them.
Just so that I know that I wasn't crazy--he DID love me.
And it is not.
By any means.


All my fault.

Sand Angel.

It doesn't matter to me that there is sand in my hair.
in my shoes.
in my socks.
between my toes.
It just doesn't matter.
Because I made... a sand angel.
On the empty playground, past curfew, I layed down and spread my wings.
and when I lifted myself up, there I was.
Imprinted on those small particles of rock.
Looking more beautiful than ever before.

But, the winds will blow.
The sands will shift.
And I will be erased.
Defaced.
Replaced.
But it's okay because I'm still here.

Love is kinda like that...
You lay down and give someone a full and true imprint of yourself.
And it will bring them joy for a while.
And maybe they'll do the same for you.
And you will find joy too.
But, eventually the winds will blow in one of your hearts.
And the image will be distorted.
And erased.


I don't think I've ever felt so erased.


I never existed, it seems. And it doesn't bother me that as much as...
Well, the fact that your sand angel is still burned into my heart.
And you keep asking for me to erase it but I just can't.
And I've given myself eraser burns trying so hard.

"It's annoying when you try so hard."
It's annoying to have to try so hard.

You know, I'm fine without you.
Really, I'm doing swimmingly.
It's everything else that's getting me down.
I'm not lying about that.
I honestly only think about you when you're right next to me.
Or when I'm alone in my room on my blog.
It would be boring if I blogged about the SAT's or speech.
So... I blog about you, Poet.
Poet.
Your very first poem for me is on my desk.
I haven't read it in a few weeks.
I don't plan on reading it.
You know, I've grown.
A whole freaking lot.

I don't need you.
(but, you know I still WANT you.)
It's like, I know what I can't have now.
I don't want, and certainly don't need, to become a lapdog to you.
Nope.
I want to be friends.
In public and alone.
Best friends.
Not acquaintances.
I want to TALK. I want to rock out in my car.
I want to spill all the gossip I hear on you.
I want you to do the same for me.
And I want to go to church together.
And I don't want to talk on the phone at night--all we did was fight.
God can tuck me and and put me to bed.

I don't want anymore nightmares about you.
I just...
Well, quite frankly, I just want a kiss.
and I want a hug.
And I want a smile that is not forced.
and I want a best friend.
A real best friend.
And I want to love you in a way that is not forever.
In a way that 17 year olds love.
Not 34 year olds.
I want to be fun.
No more serious.
life is too serious anyways.

And I don't want you unless you want me.
And if you don't want me, then that's okay.
I will move on.

And in that case the only thing that will bother me...
is that I never did get my last chance.
And I'm almost certain I can show you I'm not that girl.
And I won't ever be again.

But it's your choice.
And if you still have a faint imprint of me on your heart, I'd love to have a moment to fix it.
It's a false imprint.
Just a sand angel.

And I just don't know what to do at this point.
I'm a little lost to be honest.
So... I guess I'm just doing nothing.
I'm focusing on the important things in my life right now.
And I'm still drowning! Regardless of you!
1000000 feet under and still sinking.
Oh, the pressure.
It's out of control.

I just want a kiss that'll make me fly :)
Naw, I need a VERSE.
I'm gonna go read my Bible now.
Tootaloo. <3